on my trip back east to see my husband my girls and i had an "adventure"...to say the least. traveling with kids, especially flying can be a nightmare...even if your children are saints. okay, we won't go that far, but even when your kids are amazing, which mine were, it was still a nightmare. it was exhausting from every angle and i am not sure if i am fully recovered even now. and i am not sure if i ever want to do it again for as long as i live:)
despite the "journey", i really felt like the Lord was right by our side, at some point in the trip i am pretty sure He said something like, "i got your back yo." okay, so maybe that was the guy from oakland sitting behind us:)
we experienced some "small" miracles, as if any miracle could be considered small. even the small ones are big and worthy of celebration!
i find myself not blogging very often, um, "often", how about "never!" last time was march, i think? scary. anyway, i feel like even though i want to write, it seems to take too long and i don't feel like going into all of the details. too bad because i could write some really great stuff, recalling some great things that have happened. too bad i am too impatient. oh well....back to the trip.
on the flight there mila met a friend. we never leave anywhere without making new friends! i think it is great, and a great way to live life. lessons from my four year old!
so after "expecting" to sit by her friend on the plane she was very upset when she realized that wasn't an option. luckily, at least 6 people offered their seats to us so that we would in some way be able to sit behind, in front or next to mila's new friend. there are kind people out there! even on airplanes:)
we managed to sit in front of her and it made for what i assume was a much more pleasant trip...than it could have been:) it really wasn't bad, just extremely long and exhausting. okay, it was bad. and the almost two year old on my lap did not want to be there. besides a few minor tantrums it was all good:) no, i mean it was bad. sorry, can't make up my mind on this one:)
on the trip home we got to the airport early and did not expect to hear what we heard. "i am really, really sorry to have to tell you this....but your flight has been canceled." so we went to stand in line for at least and i mean, "at least" an hour. i don't even know how long it was because i wasn't really "there" at the time. i think my brain was hovering somewhere in outer space.
the lady behind us was having a fit and calling united on the phone. she could wait to get up there, but no, why would she want to do that? she was making far more trouble than good and getting everyone around her stressed. everyone was whining and complaining and she said that the lady from united on the phone said there were no flights out until the next day. hell no! i thought. i am not sleeping in this airport with my two children all night. not going to happen. um, Lord please don't let this happen!
instead of freak out, like the lady behind me i chose to pray instead. now, if you think i am trying to be all high and mighty here, then you're wrong. i am awfully proud of myself, i will not lie! and it is only because i was so exhausted and stressed and done with parenting and traveling, that it is truly a miracle from God that i chose to pray instead of freak out. so, no "high and mightiness" here:)
my kids were great the whole time and i was just praying and trying to stay calm.
finally the lady looked at me and said, "wow, this must be hard for you with two kids." "well, maybe only now that it is canceled." "nope", i said. "it is pretty much a nightmare any way you swing it. traveling with kids is just a lot of work no matter what."
she said that i was staying awfully calm and i told her it was because i was praying the whole time. i also said to her that maybe the flight is canceled for a reason. duh. ever thought of that genius? maybe it is for our safety. we are not in control of everything and praise God for it!
when i got up to the front the man checked me in. everyone who was in front of us took a really long time and we were checked in with no problem and very quickly. i said, "i thought this flight was canceled?" he checked and said it wasn't canceled. then he said, "oh wait" no everything is fine.
miracle number 2 folks.
p.s. the "freak out lady"..her flight was still canceled:)
when i saw her she said, "well , what ever you did worked!" first of all, it's called prayer! and second, just because i prayed did not mean that i was going to get what i wanted. but PRAISE the LORD He had mercy on me! it was a major lesson in patience for me that day. and i mean a REAL lesson in patience. i am so thankful for it.
i could write for days about how God totally had our back the whole trip. nope, it wasn't the guy from oakland:) but i won't because, well, i don't have days. i only have a few more minutes.
i took another trip recently, by myself, without kids. it was a million times easier and more boring:) and i continued to see how the Lord was with me. it was amazing. but i will save those stories for another day.
God is always with us. sometimes we feel like He is and sometimes we don't. it is wonderful when we see Him in huge amazing ways. but it is just as amazing, if not more, when we see Him in the every day. the little things. those that seem insignificant. He is showing Himself to us in every moment of the day, if only we will notice.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
garbage to gorgeous
today started out terrible. actually, it was last night when it all started. kids are feeling well and not sleeping well. four year old sometimes has really bad night terrors. at least i guess that is what you'd call it. it is freaky.
so bad night last night. morning started out exhausting. both kids whining non stop and the baby wanting to be held constantly. feeling like i can't get anything accomplished and taking forever to just get ready so we can get out of the house. once we got out it was much better. the sun was shining and we had plans in town. we did a few things and then went to have milkshakes and fries. krinkle fries, of course. and chocolate milkshakes with real banana. yum. that made things a little better right there:) then we played outside in the little kid area. i suppose "happy" burger did its job today:) i generally am appauled at the smiling happy faces everywhere and terribly cheesy decor, but it was okay today. okay, not really. i just didn't seem to notice.
oh, did i mention that during the "garbage" part of the day i was having a meltdown? the day was just so terribly difficult from the moment i woke up. did i ever even sleep? yeah, i know i did, but it just doesn't even feel like it. it feels like i was up all night. even though i only got up a few times during the night. a few times is plenty. especially when they are a "dramatic" few times.
i decided to go in my room (somehow i managed to "disappear" without anyone noticing and without anyone following me:) then i just sat there and then laid there and then prayed and cried. then i read something that was encouraging to me. actually a few things that were encouraging to me. funny how that happens. a few emails that were sent really encouraged me. and then something from a devotional. and then praying. more like just crying out for help:) God knows exactly what we need when we need it.
He speaks to us words that no one else can. He fills us with strength and cannot be found anywhere else. He uplifts us and blesses us in a way that man cannot. sure He uses people and people often have much to give us. words we need to hear or just a listening ear. people are used by God every day to bless us and help us in our time of need. but sometimes your heart and soul are in a place where only God can reach you. and if you let Him He will do the reaching. and then He will do the grabbing. of your heart and soul and He won't let go. He will lift you up when you are weak. He will take your garbage and make it gorgeous.
so bad night last night. morning started out exhausting. both kids whining non stop and the baby wanting to be held constantly. feeling like i can't get anything accomplished and taking forever to just get ready so we can get out of the house. once we got out it was much better. the sun was shining and we had plans in town. we did a few things and then went to have milkshakes and fries. krinkle fries, of course. and chocolate milkshakes with real banana. yum. that made things a little better right there:) then we played outside in the little kid area. i suppose "happy" burger did its job today:) i generally am appauled at the smiling happy faces everywhere and terribly cheesy decor, but it was okay today. okay, not really. i just didn't seem to notice.
oh, did i mention that during the "garbage" part of the day i was having a meltdown? the day was just so terribly difficult from the moment i woke up. did i ever even sleep? yeah, i know i did, but it just doesn't even feel like it. it feels like i was up all night. even though i only got up a few times during the night. a few times is plenty. especially when they are a "dramatic" few times.
i decided to go in my room (somehow i managed to "disappear" without anyone noticing and without anyone following me:) then i just sat there and then laid there and then prayed and cried. then i read something that was encouraging to me. actually a few things that were encouraging to me. funny how that happens. a few emails that were sent really encouraged me. and then something from a devotional. and then praying. more like just crying out for help:) God knows exactly what we need when we need it.
He speaks to us words that no one else can. He fills us with strength and cannot be found anywhere else. He uplifts us and blesses us in a way that man cannot. sure He uses people and people often have much to give us. words we need to hear or just a listening ear. people are used by God every day to bless us and help us in our time of need. but sometimes your heart and soul are in a place where only God can reach you. and if you let Him He will do the reaching. and then He will do the grabbing. of your heart and soul and He won't let go. He will lift you up when you are weak. He will take your garbage and make it gorgeous.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patrick's Day
"Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me.
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me.
Christ on my right, Christ on my left.
Christ where i lie, Christ where i sit, Christ where i arise.
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me.
Christ on my right, Christ on my left.
Christ where i lie, Christ where i sit, Christ where i arise.
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Monday, March 14, 2011
"we could use your help now superman. superman? do you read me? "
i am up way too late. for someone who has been sick for 2 weeks and for someone who will be waking up bright and early with two little rugrats. i should really be sleeping. but instead i took an excedrin, which means i am quite awake. damn headache.
my mom, my sister and i just watched "waiting for superman." you have probably heard about it. it is a documentary on the public school system. and it is quite disturbing. i found it very interesting and disturbing all at the same time. when i was teaching i was mainly in private schools so i didn't have experience or even really an awareness of the public schools. i went to public school growing up, but i think it was a different time and also a different place. a very small town where the schools were pretty good, at least i think they were. in high school i helped out in elementary school and special ed classes and in college i worked in some public schools (as part of my education) and also in some programs for tutoring low income kids after school.
before even receiving my teaching credential i began teaching at a private school where i feel like i taught myself how to teach. most people do it the "right way." go to college, get your credential, THEN teach. not me. i really like to change it up a bit. i guess i am not really a rule follower so much:) no, the main reason i chose this route was because i barely ended up graduating from college and i was so sick of school i couldn't imagine going another day, let alone another year. it really ended up working for me though. because i got to really get my hands dirty and do what i had been wanting to do for a very long time. teach!
did i go about it the "right way?" the way that the system wants you to? nope. and i am so happy that i made that choice. at least for me. with a little help from seasoned teachers and staff i went in there and taught with enthusiasm and love. i had no clue what i was doing (and that is exactly why this route is not encouraged, nor accepted by most schools.) but i made it, barely. i loved the students like my own and really cared about teaching them and making it fun. i think that is what i do best as a teacher. i liked to make it fun and make sense to each student. i am not a brainy person, and the world is not full of them, so why do we (as a society) teach like that? why do we teach so fast and think that everyone (or ANYONE for that matter) is getting anything out of it? brainy teachers should be shot. i mean only if they can't relate or can't make things applicable. otherwise i suppose we can keep them around:)
after about 4 years of teaching in private schools and having an overall excellent to good experience my husband and i ventured to another land. it is called tenessee:) when i say it was another land i really mean it. it was an "interesting" experience and in "interesting" i mainly mean "bad."
as i look back i can see things that i actually really liked about it, just not at the time. i can appreciate much about it now. sadly i did not at the time. the worst part about it was the teaching job that i had. it was actually a private school, at least in name. i have no idea why it can possibly be considered a private school and why people would actually pay to go to this school in the first place. however, now after watching "waiting for superman" i can see that it was actually a much better choice for many of those kids than the private schools. in being hired i was told that it was a very "special school" with very "special" students. apparently i was desperate for a job and did not clue into these key words! "special" meaning terrible! at least terrible in my book. remember my friends, i am coming from private school world, california private school world. where parents would bring me a latte from starbucks before school. where parents didn't give me a mug with candy in it to say "thanks." but rather a gift certificate to macy's or to get a massage. where parents are in the classroom helping all the time, so much so that you want them to leave. because most of these moms are stay at home moms.
seriously, i am talking a whole nother world!
so i was shocked to find that my fourth grade class of about 12 students was BY FAR THE MOST DIFFICULT teaching experience of my life! i had taught 20+ second graders in california (by myself, without a full time aide) my first year. (first years area by far the hardest, especially when you have no credential and you have NO freaking idea what you are doing...like i did:)
12 students, seriously? could it be that hard? 12 students is like nothing. some people have that many children:) and fourth grade? they are like little adults, right? well, yes and no. yes, they are like little adults...in all the wrong ways. they have been forced to grow up in ways they shouldn't have. and no, they are not like adults because even when they are adults they will still be imature because of the environment they have grown up in.
i cannot possibly go into everything that was wrong and crazy and difficult and mind blowing about that time. i am only saddened that i couldn't have done more. and i actually think that i did accomplish a lot in a very, very short time. i got down to business with the kids. and it was not just about academics (which was terribly disturbing, considering that most of them were at a second grade reading level.) i was also able to break down some of the hardness in them. and they were hard, let me tell you. and some of the parents were even harder. when i knew when of the moms would be coming i would always wear really tall heels because was quite the big mama, and when i say "big" i would like to add "really scary" to her title as well! and i was very intimidated by her. luckily, with prayer (and killer heels) i stood my ground:)
so what have i said here? i have no clue. kind of like my first year in teaching:) i have just been rambling, i suppose. and i guess that is essentially what you do when you have a blog. you ramble. about stuff. stuff that is important and some stuff that is completely irrelevant. but that is the joy of it:) say whatever you like, whenever. and if some "lucky" schmuck feels like reading, well, super. if not, at least i got some of my "crazy" out;) ha.
so...where the hell IS superman and is he coming to save the public school system? man, i hope so. but i fear not any time soon. it will take a lot. yes, one person can do a lot and we can't forget that. but we need a lot of these "one persons" to get the job done. and it is a really big job, very daunting.
of course i have my ideas as we all do. but i cannot save the world. when i am overwhelmed with the sadness of this broken world and of all those hurting and/or being hurt it is easy to burst into tears. to feel crippled by it all. because sure, i can do something, but can i do it all? can i do enough to change the public school system so that every child is cared for and taught and loved and valued? can i save all of the innocent children being sold into the sex trade, those being sold by their own parents?
can i feed all of those who hunger? or thirst? or house the homeless or care for the abused? no, i can't and you can't either. you can do a little and even a little is a lot. helping one person is a great accomplishment. but it is easy to look at it as a huge problem that cannot be solved. and well, if we ourselves cannot solve it by ourselves then it is too big and it would be better to do nothing than just a little. perhaps this is where things go wrong. we are so overwhelmed and saddened that we end up doing nothing. and nothing helps no one.
a lot said. and what is the conclusion?
since i am tired and don't want to keep writing and really can't come up with an ending at this point i will make it like one of those choose your own adventure books. i sure did love those books. they let you do what you want. and i am all about that:)
so, go ahead, choose your own awe inspiring ending!
leave me a comment telling me what your conclusion is, if you like.
my mom, my sister and i just watched "waiting for superman." you have probably heard about it. it is a documentary on the public school system. and it is quite disturbing. i found it very interesting and disturbing all at the same time. when i was teaching i was mainly in private schools so i didn't have experience or even really an awareness of the public schools. i went to public school growing up, but i think it was a different time and also a different place. a very small town where the schools were pretty good, at least i think they were. in high school i helped out in elementary school and special ed classes and in college i worked in some public schools (as part of my education) and also in some programs for tutoring low income kids after school.
before even receiving my teaching credential i began teaching at a private school where i feel like i taught myself how to teach. most people do it the "right way." go to college, get your credential, THEN teach. not me. i really like to change it up a bit. i guess i am not really a rule follower so much:) no, the main reason i chose this route was because i barely ended up graduating from college and i was so sick of school i couldn't imagine going another day, let alone another year. it really ended up working for me though. because i got to really get my hands dirty and do what i had been wanting to do for a very long time. teach!
did i go about it the "right way?" the way that the system wants you to? nope. and i am so happy that i made that choice. at least for me. with a little help from seasoned teachers and staff i went in there and taught with enthusiasm and love. i had no clue what i was doing (and that is exactly why this route is not encouraged, nor accepted by most schools.) but i made it, barely. i loved the students like my own and really cared about teaching them and making it fun. i think that is what i do best as a teacher. i liked to make it fun and make sense to each student. i am not a brainy person, and the world is not full of them, so why do we (as a society) teach like that? why do we teach so fast and think that everyone (or ANYONE for that matter) is getting anything out of it? brainy teachers should be shot. i mean only if they can't relate or can't make things applicable. otherwise i suppose we can keep them around:)
after about 4 years of teaching in private schools and having an overall excellent to good experience my husband and i ventured to another land. it is called tenessee:) when i say it was another land i really mean it. it was an "interesting" experience and in "interesting" i mainly mean "bad."
as i look back i can see things that i actually really liked about it, just not at the time. i can appreciate much about it now. sadly i did not at the time. the worst part about it was the teaching job that i had. it was actually a private school, at least in name. i have no idea why it can possibly be considered a private school and why people would actually pay to go to this school in the first place. however, now after watching "waiting for superman" i can see that it was actually a much better choice for many of those kids than the private schools. in being hired i was told that it was a very "special school" with very "special" students. apparently i was desperate for a job and did not clue into these key words! "special" meaning terrible! at least terrible in my book. remember my friends, i am coming from private school world, california private school world. where parents would bring me a latte from starbucks before school. where parents didn't give me a mug with candy in it to say "thanks." but rather a gift certificate to macy's or to get a massage. where parents are in the classroom helping all the time, so much so that you want them to leave. because most of these moms are stay at home moms.
seriously, i am talking a whole nother world!
so i was shocked to find that my fourth grade class of about 12 students was BY FAR THE MOST DIFFICULT teaching experience of my life! i had taught 20+ second graders in california (by myself, without a full time aide) my first year. (first years area by far the hardest, especially when you have no credential and you have NO freaking idea what you are doing...like i did:)
12 students, seriously? could it be that hard? 12 students is like nothing. some people have that many children:) and fourth grade? they are like little adults, right? well, yes and no. yes, they are like little adults...in all the wrong ways. they have been forced to grow up in ways they shouldn't have. and no, they are not like adults because even when they are adults they will still be imature because of the environment they have grown up in.
i cannot possibly go into everything that was wrong and crazy and difficult and mind blowing about that time. i am only saddened that i couldn't have done more. and i actually think that i did accomplish a lot in a very, very short time. i got down to business with the kids. and it was not just about academics (which was terribly disturbing, considering that most of them were at a second grade reading level.) i was also able to break down some of the hardness in them. and they were hard, let me tell you. and some of the parents were even harder. when i knew when of the moms would be coming i would always wear really tall heels because was quite the big mama, and when i say "big" i would like to add "really scary" to her title as well! and i was very intimidated by her. luckily, with prayer (and killer heels) i stood my ground:)
so what have i said here? i have no clue. kind of like my first year in teaching:) i have just been rambling, i suppose. and i guess that is essentially what you do when you have a blog. you ramble. about stuff. stuff that is important and some stuff that is completely irrelevant. but that is the joy of it:) say whatever you like, whenever. and if some "lucky" schmuck feels like reading, well, super. if not, at least i got some of my "crazy" out;) ha.
so...where the hell IS superman and is he coming to save the public school system? man, i hope so. but i fear not any time soon. it will take a lot. yes, one person can do a lot and we can't forget that. but we need a lot of these "one persons" to get the job done. and it is a really big job, very daunting.
of course i have my ideas as we all do. but i cannot save the world. when i am overwhelmed with the sadness of this broken world and of all those hurting and/or being hurt it is easy to burst into tears. to feel crippled by it all. because sure, i can do something, but can i do it all? can i do enough to change the public school system so that every child is cared for and taught and loved and valued? can i save all of the innocent children being sold into the sex trade, those being sold by their own parents?
can i feed all of those who hunger? or thirst? or house the homeless or care for the abused? no, i can't and you can't either. you can do a little and even a little is a lot. helping one person is a great accomplishment. but it is easy to look at it as a huge problem that cannot be solved. and well, if we ourselves cannot solve it by ourselves then it is too big and it would be better to do nothing than just a little. perhaps this is where things go wrong. we are so overwhelmed and saddened that we end up doing nothing. and nothing helps no one.
a lot said. and what is the conclusion?
since i am tired and don't want to keep writing and really can't come up with an ending at this point i will make it like one of those choose your own adventure books. i sure did love those books. they let you do what you want. and i am all about that:)
so, go ahead, choose your own awe inspiring ending!
leave me a comment telling me what your conclusion is, if you like.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
a thousand years...
there is a verse in the Bible that talks about the Lord viewing a day as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day. well, seriously, today and the past few months, perhaps even year have felt like a thousand years! today was a tough day. we got some news that AGAIN appears to be prolonging the waiting game and a life of stability and certainty. it is all very puzzling to me and yet i know it is ultimately in the Lord's hands. He can change things in a minute, a second, a split second...you get the idea:) if He wants to. He knows what is best for us and He does have plans for us and they are good. i am pretty sure i have said this EXACT same thing over and over and over on this blog and in my head for the past, well, who knows how many years! it is okay that i am tired of waiting, it is okay that i am irritated and disappointed and discouraged and overwhelmed and exhausted. it is okay that i am having a hard time with it all. i think that means i am normal. i will not pretend to be okay with it. i will not pretend to be happy about everything if i am not happy about everything. i will however say that i am in God's hands and there is not better place to be. i will say that in my tiredness, no, exhaustion of the past year or so that this is all part of my life even if it makes no sense to me. i will say that i have and will continue to be a blessing to others even if things aren't hunky dory for myself. it is in the brokenness and difficult times that i lean most on the Lord and am used by Him to encourage others. i will say that no matter what happens or doesn't happen we will be okay.
please notice: because of my desire to be honest and real i really, really, really, want to share things in their entirety. however, there are some things (at this time) i cannot go into complete detail about. please forgive me! i hate it! and when the time comes i will go into more detail. for now, just know it has to do with the direction of our life! i realize that vague blogs do not make for good reading:)
p.s. please also know that none of us are dying, so it isn't like that kind of serious:)
please notice: because of my desire to be honest and real i really, really, really, want to share things in their entirety. however, there are some things (at this time) i cannot go into complete detail about. please forgive me! i hate it! and when the time comes i will go into more detail. for now, just know it has to do with the direction of our life! i realize that vague blogs do not make for good reading:)
p.s. please also know that none of us are dying, so it isn't like that kind of serious:)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
snow day
finally the snow to go with the "snow day!" it was coming down hard a few hours ago and now it is sunny and everything is covered. the girls are up from their nap and they want to go out and play. before they woke up i asked my husband, "now you know the girls will want to go out and play in the snow, right? so i know we said, "we" would go...but who exactly is "WE?" he said "we" meant both of us. "really?" "are you sure, i mean, i think "we" generally means both of us, but even in this case?" :) you see, i really do love the snow and i was so excited to see it coming down this afternoon, but i am really, REALLY enjoying it from INSIDE:) i will go out with the fam and it will be fun, i know it. it's just that i am not looking forward to the cold part. probably because i hate being cold and i am pretty much cold every moment and every day of my life. seriously, i can never get warm and i hate it. that is why i don't look forward to the cold part of this venture.
i am having an argument with my four year old at the moment about snow boots. she is really in the "why" stage and constantly arguing with me about seriously EVERYTHING. how do you find patience in a moment like this? ahhhhh! i think it's time to go outside. yes, outside in the snow. the freezing cold, really beautiful, absolutely butt freezing cold snow. once i get out there and am completely numb i think the attitude will wear off and i will start having fun:) here goes!
i am having an argument with my four year old at the moment about snow boots. she is really in the "why" stage and constantly arguing with me about seriously EVERYTHING. how do you find patience in a moment like this? ahhhhh! i think it's time to go outside. yes, outside in the snow. the freezing cold, really beautiful, absolutely butt freezing cold snow. once i get out there and am completely numb i think the attitude will wear off and i will start having fun:) here goes!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
fancy finds
so as i was trying to update my blog and make it a little bit more "fancy." i found so many fun buttons, blinkies and background designs. i also spent a little too much time working on it too. it's late and i should be in bed. i seriously don't have time for this kind of stuff.
hence my new favorite button/blinkie. it has a vintage pic of a husband and wife and it says, "behind every great blog is an unfed husband." i love it! it is just too good.
luckily for me it is not true. i mean, luckily for my husband it is not true:) i generally don't spend too much time on here. except for this evening and well, we did not go hungry. in fact i spent the entire day cooking and baking! i was just in the mood to be betty crocker. or martha stewart, which ever you prefer. i made cupcakes, corn chowder (my own made up recipe) and bread and rolls from scratch. my least favorite part of the whole deal were the dishes! besides that it was a lot of fun being in the kitchen ALL day. however, tomorrow i will most likely spend VERY little time in there.
p.s. this fabulous little vintage blinkie is at the bottom of the page. really not the best place for one of my favorites.
hence my new favorite button/blinkie. it has a vintage pic of a husband and wife and it says, "behind every great blog is an unfed husband." i love it! it is just too good.
luckily for me it is not true. i mean, luckily for my husband it is not true:) i generally don't spend too much time on here. except for this evening and well, we did not go hungry. in fact i spent the entire day cooking and baking! i was just in the mood to be betty crocker. or martha stewart, which ever you prefer. i made cupcakes, corn chowder (my own made up recipe) and bread and rolls from scratch. my least favorite part of the whole deal were the dishes! besides that it was a lot of fun being in the kitchen ALL day. however, tomorrow i will most likely spend VERY little time in there.
p.s. this fabulous little vintage blinkie is at the bottom of the page. really not the best place for one of my favorites.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
another loss
as if losing one grandma in december wasn't enough...my mom's mom passed away last week. within just a few months both of my grandmas have left this earth.
although i have been thinking about both of them on and off for quite some time, i don't think it has really set in yet. and i am not sure that i want it to. it's going to be tough. this weekend is the service for my grandma that just recently passed. we will all be together at her house for the wake. i think that is where it may really start to feel real. we will all be there. together. in her house. but she won't be.
i am not looking forward to that.
my sweet mila, who is four and a half (yes, the "half" part is very important:) had a really hard time dealing with the loss of my dad's mom. she just kept bringing it up and saying she missed her and loved her and wanted her to come back.
i didn't make a huge thing out of telling her that noni died because i was worried about how she would take it. i said, "noni was very sick ans before she died she bought you this special doll and cute pajamas because she loves you." mila was saying that she loved her too and that she wanted her to come back. she was talking about how she wanted both great grammy and great noni to come back from heaven. she said, "now they both died." she took it better than i expected. but i do imagine that she will be bringing it up now and then. and it will hurt every time she does. i think it is too much for anyone to handle or understand or deal with, but it is really hard to try to make sense of it to your kids.
on the day she passed we were out of town and my husband had previously promised me a day of shopping on that day. a day at the outlets (really, really good ones:) all by myself...that means, "without kids." :) i had been looking forward to it of course, and it ended up being a good time for me to just think a little and be alone and try to begin grieving. although i was in public so it wasn't like i was outwardly grieving, but inside i was struggling. i had planned on being alone on this trip and yet, i wasn't. my thoughts were all around me.
because i didn't wear a t-shirt that said, "my grandma died today, please be nice to me." no one knew what i was going through. they just saw a smile, which was probably only half of a smile, or maybe just a plastic one. i'm not sure. it was okay when i was distracted by all of the amazing deals and sales. but when it came time for lunch it was then that i was not only sitting alone (which i generally don't mind at all) but i really FELT alone. then i heard some ladies talking near me and i listened a little bit...i didn't really get anything too "juicy" :) but what i did hear was an encouragement to me. they were talking about God. again, i don't even remember what they were saying but what i heard lifted my spirits a bit. i wasn't alone. duh. there were people everywhere in the restaurant. but that's not what i mean. on the way down when we went through l.a. i jokingly mentioned to my husband that everything past this point is fake. fake people, fake boobs, fake smiles with tons of hurt hiding on the inside, fakeness...guess that's not really a word. but you get the point. so here i am in a place where i have already labeled everyone fake and then i hear this conversation. okay, here we go again. you are a jerk, tara. there are some very real ladies right over there talking about the same God that you profess as your Lord. "oops, i did it again." i judged. sadly i do that a lot. of course i was just making a generalization. but i did feel like it was kind of a little slap in the face. just a little one:)
so there i was. alone, but not alone. that really is the state i am always in. even when i am alone (which seriously doesn't happen enough!) i am never alone, fully by myself. and that is another "duh" moment. i knew this, it's not like it was an "aha" moment. just a "duh" moment:) the Lord is with me right now. He knows my loss. He knows my hurt. He knows that i don't even know how i feel right now. but He will be with me. He will comfort me and He will use others (the two ladies sitting near me in the restaurant) to encourage me. i almost went up to them but then i didn't. i figured i would start balling like a baby and they wouldn't even know what i was trying to say. so i opted out:)
looking back on the last several months and even the last year i realize that there has actually been a lot of loss in my life. besides two family members passing away (which is by far the hardest) i have lost other things as well. my husband lost his job in the last year. we lost our house (we didn't own it, but we had to move in with family so we don't have a place of our own right now.) we lost a life that felt somewhat normal. although we lost that a LONG time ago! :)
this makes me think of the verse that says, "whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (matthew 10:39)
it is not about my comfort. it is not about me having everything i want and everything i think i need. it is not about having a house, or a job or even having everyone in my family healthy or even alive for that matter.
it is about giving my life to Christ and living for Him. and i have to do that every day. not just one time. i have to choose every day to say, "i give you my life. YOUR WILL BE DONE, NOT MINE." it is not easy, and perhaps they are some of the hardest words i will ever have to say. sucks that i need to be able to say them every single day!
one loss after another. the two most difficult...both of my gramdmas. "i love them, i miss them and i want them to come back." and that is me saying it, not my four and a half year old:)
although i have been thinking about both of them on and off for quite some time, i don't think it has really set in yet. and i am not sure that i want it to. it's going to be tough. this weekend is the service for my grandma that just recently passed. we will all be together at her house for the wake. i think that is where it may really start to feel real. we will all be there. together. in her house. but she won't be.
i am not looking forward to that.
my sweet mila, who is four and a half (yes, the "half" part is very important:) had a really hard time dealing with the loss of my dad's mom. she just kept bringing it up and saying she missed her and loved her and wanted her to come back.
i didn't make a huge thing out of telling her that noni died because i was worried about how she would take it. i said, "noni was very sick ans before she died she bought you this special doll and cute pajamas because she loves you." mila was saying that she loved her too and that she wanted her to come back. she was talking about how she wanted both great grammy and great noni to come back from heaven. she said, "now they both died." she took it better than i expected. but i do imagine that she will be bringing it up now and then. and it will hurt every time she does. i think it is too much for anyone to handle or understand or deal with, but it is really hard to try to make sense of it to your kids.
on the day she passed we were out of town and my husband had previously promised me a day of shopping on that day. a day at the outlets (really, really good ones:) all by myself...that means, "without kids." :) i had been looking forward to it of course, and it ended up being a good time for me to just think a little and be alone and try to begin grieving. although i was in public so it wasn't like i was outwardly grieving, but inside i was struggling. i had planned on being alone on this trip and yet, i wasn't. my thoughts were all around me.
because i didn't wear a t-shirt that said, "my grandma died today, please be nice to me." no one knew what i was going through. they just saw a smile, which was probably only half of a smile, or maybe just a plastic one. i'm not sure. it was okay when i was distracted by all of the amazing deals and sales. but when it came time for lunch it was then that i was not only sitting alone (which i generally don't mind at all) but i really FELT alone. then i heard some ladies talking near me and i listened a little bit...i didn't really get anything too "juicy" :) but what i did hear was an encouragement to me. they were talking about God. again, i don't even remember what they were saying but what i heard lifted my spirits a bit. i wasn't alone. duh. there were people everywhere in the restaurant. but that's not what i mean. on the way down when we went through l.a. i jokingly mentioned to my husband that everything past this point is fake. fake people, fake boobs, fake smiles with tons of hurt hiding on the inside, fakeness...guess that's not really a word. but you get the point. so here i am in a place where i have already labeled everyone fake and then i hear this conversation. okay, here we go again. you are a jerk, tara. there are some very real ladies right over there talking about the same God that you profess as your Lord. "oops, i did it again." i judged. sadly i do that a lot. of course i was just making a generalization. but i did feel like it was kind of a little slap in the face. just a little one:)
so there i was. alone, but not alone. that really is the state i am always in. even when i am alone (which seriously doesn't happen enough!) i am never alone, fully by myself. and that is another "duh" moment. i knew this, it's not like it was an "aha" moment. just a "duh" moment:) the Lord is with me right now. He knows my loss. He knows my hurt. He knows that i don't even know how i feel right now. but He will be with me. He will comfort me and He will use others (the two ladies sitting near me in the restaurant) to encourage me. i almost went up to them but then i didn't. i figured i would start balling like a baby and they wouldn't even know what i was trying to say. so i opted out:)
looking back on the last several months and even the last year i realize that there has actually been a lot of loss in my life. besides two family members passing away (which is by far the hardest) i have lost other things as well. my husband lost his job in the last year. we lost our house (we didn't own it, but we had to move in with family so we don't have a place of our own right now.) we lost a life that felt somewhat normal. although we lost that a LONG time ago! :)
this makes me think of the verse that says, "whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (matthew 10:39)
it is not about my comfort. it is not about me having everything i want and everything i think i need. it is not about having a house, or a job or even having everyone in my family healthy or even alive for that matter.
it is about giving my life to Christ and living for Him. and i have to do that every day. not just one time. i have to choose every day to say, "i give you my life. YOUR WILL BE DONE, NOT MINE." it is not easy, and perhaps they are some of the hardest words i will ever have to say. sucks that i need to be able to say them every single day!
one loss after another. the two most difficult...both of my gramdmas. "i love them, i miss them and i want them to come back." and that is me saying it, not my four and a half year old:)
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"trials, testing, pokes and prods."
"consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of MANY kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, NOT LACKING ANYTHING. james 1:2-4
"brothers, as an example of PATIENCE in the face of SUFFERING, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the LORD. as you know, we consider BLESSED those who have PERSEVERED. you have heard of job's perseverance and have seen what the LORD FINALLY brought about. the LORD is FULL of COMPASSION and MERCY." james 5:10-11
"now listen, you who say, "today or tomorrow WE will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money" why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. INSTEAD, you ought to say, "IF IT IS THE LORD'S WILL, we will live and do THIS or THAT." james 4:13-15
it seems we were "here", (our new place in life) for about a month and it was boring and uneventful. it was basically a time of rest. which to me at that point felt "boring." but it was much needed. and now i see why.
the last few months have been very busy with one thing after another. good and bad. happy and sad. it feels we have been tested and poked and prodded. and even though it is not fun, it is necessary for our growth as humans...as christians.
we have plans, we have goals and we have them all set out all nice and pretty. and then "stuff" happens. (where you read "stuff" insert your "favorite choice word.":)
or everything is all hunky dory and then you get plowed with trials or a testing of some sort.
it is all for our good and GOD'S glory. at least that is what He says. so i suppose we should believe Him considering HE made the earth and all:)
so the tests and trials are to make us more mature? hmmm, couldn't maturity be acquired in some other easier way? guess not. guess He knows a little bit about our human race and how stubborn we are and difficult and hard headed and well, just plain slow:) we must expect trials and tests of ALL kinds. even the kind you don't expect...you have to expect. because if you are a christian and love the Lord and are walking with Him you will face "stuff."
the enemy, satan goes around like a roaring lion looking for prey to devour. he is allowed to poke us and tempt us and try to attack us. but he only has so much power. and every "attack" or prod is seen by the Lord. for satan CANNOT do ANYTHING that GOD does not allow. God knows what we can handle, He knows how we will respond and He ultimately knows what is best for us. He knows that the testing of our faith develops perseverance and perseverance, maturity. and spiritual maturity is what HE is after.
He wants our WHOLE heart, every part of us. so we can fully be His and be used by Him to bring about His mighty work.
"and we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the GOOD of those who LOVE HIM, who have been CALLED according to HIS PURPOSE." romans 8:28
so whatever trial, testing, poke or prod you are in or are facing, know that if you are a child of God, have given yourself to Him and are following Him and living for Him daily He's got your back:) He will give you strength to withstand the trial, to "stand up under" the temptation. meaning, being able to not give in to it. His plans for you are GOOD. His purposes are NOT to harm you. He will use it all for your GOOD...as He makes you more like Himself. and the rest for His GLORY. God is good.
"brothers, as an example of PATIENCE in the face of SUFFERING, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the LORD. as you know, we consider BLESSED those who have PERSEVERED. you have heard of job's perseverance and have seen what the LORD FINALLY brought about. the LORD is FULL of COMPASSION and MERCY." james 5:10-11
"now listen, you who say, "today or tomorrow WE will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money" why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. INSTEAD, you ought to say, "IF IT IS THE LORD'S WILL, we will live and do THIS or THAT." james 4:13-15
it seems we were "here", (our new place in life) for about a month and it was boring and uneventful. it was basically a time of rest. which to me at that point felt "boring." but it was much needed. and now i see why.
the last few months have been very busy with one thing after another. good and bad. happy and sad. it feels we have been tested and poked and prodded. and even though it is not fun, it is necessary for our growth as humans...as christians.
we have plans, we have goals and we have them all set out all nice and pretty. and then "stuff" happens. (where you read "stuff" insert your "favorite choice word.":)
or everything is all hunky dory and then you get plowed with trials or a testing of some sort.
it is all for our good and GOD'S glory. at least that is what He says. so i suppose we should believe Him considering HE made the earth and all:)
so the tests and trials are to make us more mature? hmmm, couldn't maturity be acquired in some other easier way? guess not. guess He knows a little bit about our human race and how stubborn we are and difficult and hard headed and well, just plain slow:) we must expect trials and tests of ALL kinds. even the kind you don't expect...you have to expect. because if you are a christian and love the Lord and are walking with Him you will face "stuff."
the enemy, satan goes around like a roaring lion looking for prey to devour. he is allowed to poke us and tempt us and try to attack us. but he only has so much power. and every "attack" or prod is seen by the Lord. for satan CANNOT do ANYTHING that GOD does not allow. God knows what we can handle, He knows how we will respond and He ultimately knows what is best for us. He knows that the testing of our faith develops perseverance and perseverance, maturity. and spiritual maturity is what HE is after.
He wants our WHOLE heart, every part of us. so we can fully be His and be used by Him to bring about His mighty work.
"and we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the GOOD of those who LOVE HIM, who have been CALLED according to HIS PURPOSE." romans 8:28
so whatever trial, testing, poke or prod you are in or are facing, know that if you are a child of God, have given yourself to Him and are following Him and living for Him daily He's got your back:) He will give you strength to withstand the trial, to "stand up under" the temptation. meaning, being able to not give in to it. His plans for you are GOOD. His purposes are NOT to harm you. He will use it all for your GOOD...as He makes you more like Himself. and the rest for His GLORY. God is good.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
a full plate
it seems there are a million and one things happening for me this week and the next. they are all good things for the most part. but either way it is just plain busy.
to start it all off, at the beginning of the week we received some news...we might have to move earlier than expected and start our new phase of life about 5 months sooner than expected. we were floored. i felt like i was going to puke all day long. i just didn't feel well. i also mentioned that our heads felt like they were exploding. and since then it has kind of just escalated. it just feels like one thing after another.
it looks like we probably won't be leaving early, but rather in 5 months like we originally expected. but something like this could happen again and then we may be caught off guard again. at least we will be a little bit more prepared if it happens again. at least we'll try. thinking that we might leave early brought up a ton of stuff for us. and then a few days later it seems we probably won't be going early. it was a rush of emotions and adrenaline.
tomorrow is my birthday and i am not too terribly excited about it because it just feels like..."one more thing!" i wish i could have it in june:)
i was hoping for a laid back week. no such luck.
this weekend is my grandma's memorial service. it will be sad, but there will be happy parts too. so i am looking forward to it and not looking forward to it all at the same time.
this weekend i am hosting a bachelorette party for my dear friend. she is getting married this summer overseas. so we are celebrating with her now. it will be fun and i am really looking forward to it. and have been planning it for awhile now. i love doing this sort of thing and it is extra exciting since it is for my good friend.
my four year old is driving me nuts today and i feel like i have been a terrible mother. she has not been napping this afternoon, but rather getting out of bed 5+ times to tell me she can't sleep. she has now been lying down for awhile, so hopefully she fell asleep. children without naps are like me without chocolate:)
it seems i am just in a rotten mood today and yesterday too. i have been praying and asking the Lord to help me but it feels like an uphill climb. and i am tired.
"naps" are almost up. so i will go enjoy the rest of my quiet time.
peace and love ya'll~
to start it all off, at the beginning of the week we received some news...we might have to move earlier than expected and start our new phase of life about 5 months sooner than expected. we were floored. i felt like i was going to puke all day long. i just didn't feel well. i also mentioned that our heads felt like they were exploding. and since then it has kind of just escalated. it just feels like one thing after another.
it looks like we probably won't be leaving early, but rather in 5 months like we originally expected. but something like this could happen again and then we may be caught off guard again. at least we will be a little bit more prepared if it happens again. at least we'll try. thinking that we might leave early brought up a ton of stuff for us. and then a few days later it seems we probably won't be going early. it was a rush of emotions and adrenaline.
tomorrow is my birthday and i am not too terribly excited about it because it just feels like..."one more thing!" i wish i could have it in june:)
i was hoping for a laid back week. no such luck.
this weekend is my grandma's memorial service. it will be sad, but there will be happy parts too. so i am looking forward to it and not looking forward to it all at the same time.
this weekend i am hosting a bachelorette party for my dear friend. she is getting married this summer overseas. so we are celebrating with her now. it will be fun and i am really looking forward to it. and have been planning it for awhile now. i love doing this sort of thing and it is extra exciting since it is for my good friend.
my four year old is driving me nuts today and i feel like i have been a terrible mother. she has not been napping this afternoon, but rather getting out of bed 5+ times to tell me she can't sleep. she has now been lying down for awhile, so hopefully she fell asleep. children without naps are like me without chocolate:)
it seems i am just in a rotten mood today and yesterday too. i have been praying and asking the Lord to help me but it feels like an uphill climb. and i am tired.
"naps" are almost up. so i will go enjoy the rest of my quiet time.
peace and love ya'll~
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